A Wretch Like Me…Once Was Lost. David, in Psalm 139:4, honored God with these words: "You know every step I will take before my journey even begins." Robert Frost penned I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. In a Living Water sermon, it was said we can look back and trace the path that led to our current relationship with God. I’m not eloquent like David, the poets, or Pastor Mike, but here is my story of when God decided He’d better take my wheel!
When I arrived home one evening, I heard voices in the living room. Company was not expected. Husband was in the kitchen and gave me a whatever shrug. Hmmm. Why were two elderly Italian gentlemen chatting away on my sofa? Their accents told me they were Italian; the elderly part was that, well, they were old. They stood (somewhat slowly because that’s what oldsters do), introduced themselves as Vinny and Tony from a church around the corner, and confidently announced their goal was to bring me back into the flock. I truly hadn’t realized I was missing from the flock. Apparently, on a long-forgotten survey, a question asked the household’s religious affiliation. Not wanting to lie, especially about a God-centered question, I wrote the name of the church I sometimes attended. The gentlemen in my living room were that church’s official Sheep Herders.
They asked about my church life, my past life, and specifically about my prior marriage and divorce. I said my divorce didn’t need to be discussed. What I did say was that the flock they wanted me to return to doesn’t welcome divorced and remarried people. Ah, their eyes gleamed as they presented the perfect solution: You can have the first marriage annulled, have a new ceremony, and TA-DA, no more sin!
My blood pressure rose as I firmly stated I would never agree to annul a 20-year, 3-birth marriage. Not deterred from their mission of re-flocking me, Vinny announced, No worries, we have programs for people like you! I said, You just hit the nail on the head! People like me, sinners, are put in a separate program with all the baa-d flock, while people like you, non-sinners (is there even such a thing?), are allowed to roam the hills with the good flock. I emphatically stated I wanted a church where I would be accepted as is. Tony and Vinny decided it was time to pick up their staffs and get the flock out. Not realizing it, I had just turned right onto a new path.
My son and I were in a hospice facility. At the young age of 38, cancer had consumed his body. He had made peace with his Lord and was ready for his grand homegoing. He slept while I sat. Nine days, 216 hours, give or take some time for eating and sleeping, is a long time to do nothing. Looking back, I think God designed those days purposely to give the seed He was planting time to germinate. About day 3 of the 9 days of sitting, I was tired of repeating prayers memorized in school, as in Our Father, the prayer before meals, and I began a mental dialog with God. My mind wandered to what it would be like when I’m in my son’s place. I knew no one I could ask to pray for and with me to help me through my fears and my days of dying. Beginning in grade school, every teacher, K through 12, disciplined the class by saying, “I’ll put the fear of God in you if you….”. Thus, to me, God was the Personification of Fear. I always dreaded meeting up with this God who no doubt would quickly banish me to the Very Warm South for all eternity. What scary thoughts I was having, which only added to my sadness!
Now is your time of grief. But I will see you again, and you will rejoice. And no one will take away your joy. John 16:22
Twas grace my fears relieved…Slowly, in the daily quiet, I admitted to God and myself that I not only needed Him in my life, I wanted Him to be a huge part of my life. I knew I wouldn’t forget this message after these grief days ended. I vowed to find a church that accepted me for ME, one that didn’t banish me to the basement because of my past, one that believed in a God of Love, not a God of Fear. That is exactly what I did…but not that year…or the next.
God knew I was a procrastinator and had to take the wheel again. He sent people into my life who walked a much clearer, straighter path than I. Then He sat back with a big grin and waited. God is So Good!
One Saturday morning I went outside and was surprised to see people moving boxes and furniture into the house next door that had been empty for 2 years. While passing a gentleman returning to his car for more boxes, I made idiotic small talk, like guess we’re getting new neighbors (DUH), and he said they’re great people and he can really sing. HUH? I had thoughts of someone singing in the shower with the windows open. How did that man know how this man sang?
Dingdong. Not Avon, but new neighbors calling, and a strong friendship soon developed. They made it known that they were part of a church and he was a church pastor. They sometimes asked if we needed them to pray for us which was a very foreign concept for me. Until… One night, I received a distressing call about a family member’s attempted suicide. I was alone, frantic, crying. I needed something I later realized was comfort, mental and spiritual. I was led to call my new neighbors. The wife answered, listened for a few minutes, and then quietly said, May I pray for you? I said yes and was hanging up the phone, thinking she would come over or just pray at home, however, “they” pray.
Surprisingly, I heard her sweet voice over the phone, talking to God, asking Him to help me. I began to feel calmer as she continued to pray for me, the situation, and a person she knew nothing about. As she continued, I no longer heard words; I felt peace, knowing all would be well. Earlier on my path, I asked for someone to pray with. That prayer was answered through my new friend, and I felt the strong comfort that prayer could provide. God was surely guiding me down a bright path.
Our new neighbors and close friends were Pastor Andrew Thomas and his wife, Caron. For those who knew Pastor Andrew, you know he was a nudge, a Capital Letter NUDGE. And Andrew always won the nudge game! He began to drop some not-so-subtle hints, with note cards in our mailbox or subtle words like Why don’t you come to our church and see what I do? We’re having a Coffee House Friday, why don’t you visit? Here’s a CD you might like. Why don’t you come to our Fourth of July celebration on Sunday?
OK, so the Fourth of July service piqued my interest, and I decided to make that my first church search. I got up my courage and went. Yes, it took courage for me to think about going against 60+ years of being told everything was a sin, including going to a different denominational service and, if I left the church I was raised in, I would not even pass go on my trip to Hell. No wonder I feared God!
How precious did that faith appear, the hour I first believed... On Sunday morning, timid me walked in, pretending I knew what I was doing. I was approached by a woman who introduced herself as Joy. I said hello and moved on to go through the double doors into the service. As I did so, a voice no one else heard bellowed down from above. You promised to find the right church and you just blew off someone who spoke to you! How much more obvious do you need Me to be? Heeding that booming voice in my head, I turned back to Joy, introduced myself, and said it was my first time visiting the church. Joy (if you knew her, you will get this) threw her hands in the air and shouted, “AMEN, Praise Jesus!” WHOA! What kind of a church IS this? Timid me was concerned that this was not my cup of church. I wanted to run out to my car right then, but that voice in my head prompted me to give it a chance.
Joy handed me a white bag with blue tissue paper, saying all first-time attendees got a welcome bag. I shook off the shock of being welcomed so demonstratively, only to realize now everyone will see my bag and know I’m a newbie! Yikes! I decided to sit in the back row so I could quietly spectate. God (of course!) had a completely different idea.
I walked through the double doors checking the layout for an inconspicuous seat, when I heard LOUDLY from the FRONT ROW of the church. SHERRY, COME UP HERE, SIT WITH US! Did the whole city of Harrisburg need to know who I was at that point??? Geez, so much for anonymity; Caron Thomas had spotted me. As everyone turned to look, I, the newbie, walked up front, trying to hide my goody bag, and sat down in the front row. How much more embarrassed could I get?
Pastor Andrew came out onto the stage, and the music began. Suddenly, words appeared on a huge screen in the front, and everyone began to sing. I, for the second time that morning, was shocked! At my previous church, the organist played dirge-like music while the churchgoers mumbled words found in a hard-to-hold book. This music was loud and upbeat, and everyone was singing, clapping, with a few AMENs thrown in. The man carrying boxes in next door, aka Pastor Mike, was truly on target about our new neighbor’s singing voice! Best of all, even I, with the world’s worst singing voice, could now sing out loud in church without embarrassment!
I was amazed by what I learned about the bible in just one sermon, to hear words written well over 2,000 years ago being described in current-day terms, and then learning how to apply them to my everyday life. I knew some of the New Testament and almost nothing of the Old Testament, and I wanted to learn more. The service was twice as long as I was used to, but I didn’t want it to end!
Joy was with me that day. From Joy who greeted me at the door to the Joy I felt deep in my soul from the music, the Joy of the special 4th of July celebration, the Joy hearing a sermon so meaningful, and the Joy I felt being introduced to many people after the service.
You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy. Psalm 16:11
And grace will lead me home…You know when you know it. And I knew I was home. My heart knew I was on the right path to continue my journey. My brain knew I would be provided the spiritual and people support I longed for. And, I knew that through these people, I would not fear this new God my soul had been aching to meet for so long. Despite my procrastination, unhealthy past beliefs, and thinking I can do things my own way, God patiently guided me along a new path. I look forward to walking many miles yet along this path with a God I no longer fear. When my time draws near, I’m confident this God of Love and Joy will take my hand and shout as He pulls me forward, “Come on, Sherry. Let’s go. Our Sons are waiting for us.”
This is dedicated to my friend and pastor, Andrew Thomas. I began this story many years ago to present to Andrew as thanks for nudging me into the joyful experience of knowing a loving God. Andrew, thank you for shining your bright light into my life and the lives of everyone you ever touched! You are so greatly missed on this earth of ours. It would make me so very happy if, when I see you next, you would be waiting at the Golden Gates singing the sweet sound of Amazing Grace as I begin my 10,000 years and forever more.
"I will sing to the lord as long as I live, I will sing praise to my God while I have being"
Psalm 104:33
Wonderful humor and such a great writing!
Sherry, thanks so much for writing from your heart, with that sweet sense of humor. This piece points to God's perfect timing, and how He uses The Church to bring people closer to Him. Wonderful writing!